hibernation ?

"you can do the work of the Lord without his presence anywhere"

now this quote may come from a man that i still have issues with....love you Larry Moore...we'll go there on another day. honestly just before i do go any further.... i just want to say that I do love Larry. he's been like a father in my life. more of a spiritual father than anything. he was there with me at one of the most fragile times of my life. this one time there was no BS between the two of us. I was sitting and he came and hugged me, started crying and said...love you Katie-girl. we had an amazing friendship and he's an awesome mentor.

anyways yes...this quote has changed my life. i've found that it's just been probably these last 12 months that i'd really stood back and taken a look. what am i doing that is with Him. with Jesus in his presence and what am I doing just because I've been asked to or I feel like i should because of who I am or who I know or who needs help. The line where it truly becomes the difference of doing something in his presence and doing it with all the right motives etc. the knowing....sometimes the knowing comes from the waiting and sometimes you just know.

there's another side to this story as well. it's that when you get hurt and wounded what do you do with your anointing? hmmm. like for example i know that i am called to worship. Like a few other people i know....trina, zach....ashley dreger we are just plain and simple called to be worshippers and there's something that does shift in the atmosphere and the tangible presence of Jesus increases when our deeps call out to him. What do i do with this annointing now? Do i leave it sit dormant. for church people who've asked me....sooo...we haven't seen you around lately....have you been doing anything with music.....hmmmm.....have i? no i really haven't. i can spout off to you that i'm really more than ever viewing my life as worship...but i'm not. it's not that i lack the desire for my heart to rise up or my soul to rise up....i feel like Jesus and I have a pretty honest relationship. I want to really know how to worship him. It may not happen again in a church for years or ever. really it's up to him. i'm used to God setting massive decisions in front of me and telling me to go there and do that and meanwhile while everything is calling out inside of me and I don't want to do it I get peace and I go. If he calls me I will.

I am not a process person. I want this to happen right now....or even yesterday. My heart is in pieces but whole. I'm confused and frustrated by the church by am in love with Jesus. I am glad it looks different now. I don't want to walk around a desert for 40 years. I'm sure in those 40 years they had some great times. I think walking around for 23 is enough. I know I'm young and so many even reading this have been there for longer.

oh katie just fucking perservere in the winter,.... guess what? in the winter the bear goes in the cave and hibernates.

am i in a winter?