i want to run away
i want to hide under the covers
i want to go on a vacation and never come home again
if home is where the heart is i can't find my home
or my home just really sucks and the windows are boarded up again.
i can't breathe....i've somehow been winded
it hurts so bad.
crying quietly in my cubical
i'll be hiding here till 4:30
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
scattered reflections
i'm not someone that's great at meeting "strangers". you know the people you know through someone you know? you don't really know them yet but there's potential to? I'm honestly the person that if i went to highschool with you and we weren't bff's and i see you somewhere I'll nod and quickly say hi or duck the other way and peace out. I don't know what it is. I just don't have this deep desire to meet new people. I'm sort of shy and akward but it's not too bad. It's not that I have massive groups of friends or am extremely popular... it's that i'm really picky and i tend to be hesitant.
these days i would say my friendships are more alive than ever before. they jump off the page. when you meet someone it's pretty safe to say that we're all really wrapped up. We've got our layers and pashminas, hats etc. as the comfort grows the layers are shed. truth is met with truth. it becomes a take it or leave it but with a great sense of sensitivity and security. I know exactly who I am to my friends. I know what they expect from me. We're learning when we can speak to eachother and what we can speak about.
one of my biggest pet peeves is when people try and speak into your life but they haven't earned the right to. if you come to me bringing wisdom or rebuke....even encouragement the relationship has to be there. there have only been two times in my life where someone has been spoken to me straight from God from a stranger. They were moments that changed my life. I'm not sure if that made total sense or not. Lately I'm processing alot of things that have been spoken to me and over me in my life. i'm the akward girl at the dance going back to look at what's been said to her. reading things, hearing things and trying to believe that because i don't know time lines and i don't know when and i didn't have an inclination as to if someone was just making something up for something to say in that moment and make themselves feel important...or is it His voice and of things to come.
I want to hear You
these days i would say my friendships are more alive than ever before. they jump off the page. when you meet someone it's pretty safe to say that we're all really wrapped up. We've got our layers and pashminas, hats etc. as the comfort grows the layers are shed. truth is met with truth. it becomes a take it or leave it but with a great sense of sensitivity and security. I know exactly who I am to my friends. I know what they expect from me. We're learning when we can speak to eachother and what we can speak about.
one of my biggest pet peeves is when people try and speak into your life but they haven't earned the right to. if you come to me bringing wisdom or rebuke....even encouragement the relationship has to be there. there have only been two times in my life where someone has been spoken to me straight from God from a stranger. They were moments that changed my life. I'm not sure if that made total sense or not. Lately I'm processing alot of things that have been spoken to me and over me in my life. i'm the akward girl at the dance going back to look at what's been said to her. reading things, hearing things and trying to believe that because i don't know time lines and i don't know when and i didn't have an inclination as to if someone was just making something up for something to say in that moment and make themselves feel important...or is it His voice and of things to come.
I want to hear You
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
31 hours
I have a best friend
her name is D
she is the church I find around me
the reason it works is we let us just be
we dont say how
we dont say when
we say a lot again and again
I've found some light people. It was getting pretty dark.... some of you know way more than others. within actually 31 hrs a whole heck of a lot changed. work, home, congregation. yes i did use the word congregation. more and more every day i realize that there is a complete misunderstanding...mostly with me but with others too of what a church is. well we do actually know what church is. it's not about singing another song or having another drink although those things can and do happen in church....i wish i could find another word that'll work for me besides church. i don't want gathering, i don't want group, or congregation or counter culture. this isn't a massive shift. this isn't a revolution. this has been happening for years. God knows i'm here right now. he knows where i'm at. he knew this would happen. when i think about those things alone i am overwhelmed with joy. i have that deep peace again.
i've had this peace now 4 times in my life. it's the deep knowing that i hang on to when the going gets tough and dark. sometimes i forget that my hand is still around it and i'm holding on.
today is the first day in as long as i can remember where i've had this much laid on the table. it's all there. truths i was afriad to say are out. people who i had blocked on facebook aren't. places i was afraid to go i'm not anymore. my discontent has turned into gratitude...cause this is what it is. it's the journey i'm on. i am a pretty black and white person. for as opinionated as some of you think that i am you've probably only heard a tiny bit of what i think...i have lots of thoughts.
i to a fault am a 100% or nothing person. in friendships, love, work, life, adventure and spirituality. there are things that change who i am....these last 31 hours have.
i will always live with all of my heart
there will always be a birdie over my heart
over that birdie will always be written freedom
ink that brought life...and that only took 4.5 hours
her name is D
she is the church I find around me
the reason it works is we let us just be
we dont say how
we dont say when
we say a lot again and again
I've found some light people. It was getting pretty dark.... some of you know way more than others. within actually 31 hrs a whole heck of a lot changed. work, home, congregation. yes i did use the word congregation. more and more every day i realize that there is a complete misunderstanding...mostly with me but with others too of what a church is. well we do actually know what church is. it's not about singing another song or having another drink although those things can and do happen in church....i wish i could find another word that'll work for me besides church. i don't want gathering, i don't want group, or congregation or counter culture. this isn't a massive shift. this isn't a revolution. this has been happening for years. God knows i'm here right now. he knows where i'm at. he knew this would happen. when i think about those things alone i am overwhelmed with joy. i have that deep peace again.
i've had this peace now 4 times in my life. it's the deep knowing that i hang on to when the going gets tough and dark. sometimes i forget that my hand is still around it and i'm holding on.
today is the first day in as long as i can remember where i've had this much laid on the table. it's all there. truths i was afriad to say are out. people who i had blocked on facebook aren't. places i was afraid to go i'm not anymore. my discontent has turned into gratitude...cause this is what it is. it's the journey i'm on. i am a pretty black and white person. for as opinionated as some of you think that i am you've probably only heard a tiny bit of what i think...i have lots of thoughts.
i to a fault am a 100% or nothing person. in friendships, love, work, life, adventure and spirituality. there are things that change who i am....these last 31 hours have.
i will always live with all of my heart
there will always be a birdie over my heart
over that birdie will always be written freedom
ink that brought life...and that only took 4.5 hours
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
pulling your shit together
alright today's the day.
as much as i wished i never had to have this conversation it needs to happen
it's difficult when you've been connected with people somewhat in a certain place and then you're not anymore
it's hard feeling like well if someone cared A) would've happend and B) would've happend too
i realize more than anything right now i'm very concious of the journey i'm on. For the first time in a long time i'm being honest with myself and others about how i feel, where i'm at spiritually.
i guess we'll see if when push comes to shove and the real reasons and honesty is out there if the people who said they'd be there still will.
pretty much put your money where your mouth is
so im going to try today and not freak out and over think what might happen tonite.
i want to be herd
i want to be understood
i don't want to be told to be something else
i know i will not hurt anyone intentionally
no more bs.... i don't feel safe there. i don't feel confortable, i don't feel the presence of god often, i have a hard time sitting under things i don't understand and i have a harder time feeling the judgemental eyes of people looking at me wondering where i've been.
pretty much this says we all need to be honest and pull our shit together
i'm just pulling a little bit of it together today
as much as i wished i never had to have this conversation it needs to happen
it's difficult when you've been connected with people somewhat in a certain place and then you're not anymore
it's hard feeling like well if someone cared A) would've happend and B) would've happend too
i realize more than anything right now i'm very concious of the journey i'm on. For the first time in a long time i'm being honest with myself and others about how i feel, where i'm at spiritually.
i guess we'll see if when push comes to shove and the real reasons and honesty is out there if the people who said they'd be there still will.
pretty much put your money where your mouth is
so im going to try today and not freak out and over think what might happen tonite.
i want to be herd
i want to be understood
i don't want to be told to be something else
i know i will not hurt anyone intentionally
no more bs.... i don't feel safe there. i don't feel confortable, i don't feel the presence of god often, i have a hard time sitting under things i don't understand and i have a harder time feeling the judgemental eyes of people looking at me wondering where i've been.
pretty much this says we all need to be honest and pull our shit together
i'm just pulling a little bit of it together today
Thursday, March 12, 2009
hibernation ?
"you can do the work of the Lord without his presence anywhere"
now this quote may come from a man that i still have issues with....love you Larry Moore...we'll go there on another day. honestly just before i do go any further.... i just want to say that I do love Larry. he's been like a father in my life. more of a spiritual father than anything. he was there with me at one of the most fragile times of my life. this one time there was no BS between the two of us. I was sitting and he came and hugged me, started crying and said...love you Katie-girl. we had an amazing friendship and he's an awesome mentor.
anyways yes...this quote has changed my life. i've found that it's just been probably these last 12 months that i'd really stood back and taken a look. what am i doing that is with Him. with Jesus in his presence and what am I doing just because I've been asked to or I feel like i should because of who I am or who I know or who needs help. The line where it truly becomes the difference of doing something in his presence and doing it with all the right motives etc. the knowing....sometimes the knowing comes from the waiting and sometimes you just know.
there's another side to this story as well. it's that when you get hurt and wounded what do you do with your anointing? hmmm. like for example i know that i am called to worship. Like a few other people i know....trina, zach....ashley dreger we are just plain and simple called to be worshippers and there's something that does shift in the atmosphere and the tangible presence of Jesus increases when our deeps call out to him. What do i do with this annointing now? Do i leave it sit dormant. for church people who've asked me....sooo...we haven't seen you around lately....have you been doing anything with music.....hmmmm.....have i? no i really haven't. i can spout off to you that i'm really more than ever viewing my life as worship...but i'm not. it's not that i lack the desire for my heart to rise up or my soul to rise up....i feel like Jesus and I have a pretty honest relationship. I want to really know how to worship him. It may not happen again in a church for years or ever. really it's up to him. i'm used to God setting massive decisions in front of me and telling me to go there and do that and meanwhile while everything is calling out inside of me and I don't want to do it I get peace and I go. If he calls me I will.
I am not a process person. I want this to happen right now....or even yesterday. My heart is in pieces but whole. I'm confused and frustrated by the church by am in love with Jesus. I am glad it looks different now. I don't want to walk around a desert for 40 years. I'm sure in those 40 years they had some great times. I think walking around for 23 is enough. I know I'm young and so many even reading this have been there for longer.
oh katie just fucking perservere in the winter,.... guess what? in the winter the bear goes in the cave and hibernates.
am i in a winter?
now this quote may come from a man that i still have issues with....love you Larry Moore...we'll go there on another day. honestly just before i do go any further.... i just want to say that I do love Larry. he's been like a father in my life. more of a spiritual father than anything. he was there with me at one of the most fragile times of my life. this one time there was no BS between the two of us. I was sitting and he came and hugged me, started crying and said...love you Katie-girl. we had an amazing friendship and he's an awesome mentor.
anyways yes...this quote has changed my life. i've found that it's just been probably these last 12 months that i'd really stood back and taken a look. what am i doing that is with Him. with Jesus in his presence and what am I doing just because I've been asked to or I feel like i should because of who I am or who I know or who needs help. The line where it truly becomes the difference of doing something in his presence and doing it with all the right motives etc. the knowing....sometimes the knowing comes from the waiting and sometimes you just know.
there's another side to this story as well. it's that when you get hurt and wounded what do you do with your anointing? hmmm. like for example i know that i am called to worship. Like a few other people i know....trina, zach....ashley dreger we are just plain and simple called to be worshippers and there's something that does shift in the atmosphere and the tangible presence of Jesus increases when our deeps call out to him. What do i do with this annointing now? Do i leave it sit dormant. for church people who've asked me....sooo...we haven't seen you around lately....have you been doing anything with music.....hmmmm.....have i? no i really haven't. i can spout off to you that i'm really more than ever viewing my life as worship...but i'm not. it's not that i lack the desire for my heart to rise up or my soul to rise up....i feel like Jesus and I have a pretty honest relationship. I want to really know how to worship him. It may not happen again in a church for years or ever. really it's up to him. i'm used to God setting massive decisions in front of me and telling me to go there and do that and meanwhile while everything is calling out inside of me and I don't want to do it I get peace and I go. If he calls me I will.
I am not a process person. I want this to happen right now....or even yesterday. My heart is in pieces but whole. I'm confused and frustrated by the church by am in love with Jesus. I am glad it looks different now. I don't want to walk around a desert for 40 years. I'm sure in those 40 years they had some great times. I think walking around for 23 is enough. I know I'm young and so many even reading this have been there for longer.
oh katie just fucking perservere in the winter,.... guess what? in the winter the bear goes in the cave and hibernates.
am i in a winter?
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